Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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