My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
