New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
