Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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