i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
