rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
