something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sext me about skeletons
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
