Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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