wanna go halves on a baby?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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