chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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