I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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