ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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