that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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