im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
