Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
