my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How does one acquire holy water?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
