Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
