my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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