Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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