so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
