life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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