Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You may now shotgun with the bride
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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