I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
