I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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