Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
