So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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