so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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