He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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