I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How naked do you want me to be?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
