My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
