We're facebook friends in real life
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
