So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
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I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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