Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
