please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
