apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
