I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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