My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
