I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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