Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
