you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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