I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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