in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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