before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
