I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
