Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
