Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
