May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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