I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize