this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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