I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
