Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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