onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I smell like Dick and happiness
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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