FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
soo... how was my night?
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