Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
