who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
