There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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