I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
