I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
