I wish I could teleport
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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