she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
